(Meanwhile, somewhere inside Greg Wyshynski's noggin...)

NY METS FAN: You know, I've been spending time thinking about my two most favorite subjects recently: How the Mets can win the World Series, and how Yankees fans can continue to be shoved down the path of redoubtable sorrow and immense anguish that has presented itself as their dynasty crumbles brick by brick. And I keep coming back to the same two words: "Alex" and "Rodriguez."

RATIONAL HUMAN BEING: Oh dear God. I can see this is one of those conversations...like the time you swore you saw a holy visage of Keith Hernandez in a Harvest Cheddar SunChip and felt it was a sign that the Mets would beat the Cardinals in the NLCS.

NY METS FAN: But it was him, right down to the 1970s-style porno mustache! I can see what you're getting at, though: You think A-Rod on the Mets is the mistake of all mistakes; a Seaver-to-the-Reds for a new generation.

RATIONAL HUMAN BEING: Actually, being a rational human, I can see several sides to the issue. Let's start with the obvious: There is no other man currently on the face of the Earth who can put up 143 runs, 183 hits, 31 doubles, 54 home runs and 156 RBI with a .314 batting average over the course of a Major League season. Put A-Rod in this lineup, and he could be the spark to ignite this smoldering murder's row.

NY METS FAN: Now we're talking! Even David Wright agrees that 54 home runs are important. He said so on "The Daily Show" recently, which isn't as funny as "The Colbert Report" or that other fake newscast with Katie Couric.

RATIONAL HUMAN BEING: OK, since you brought that up: Wright is clearly one of the best third basemen in the Majors. Jose Reyes is rock solid at shortstop. Moises Alou is playing left field. A-Rod isn't going to play second base, so where would you play him?

NY METS FAN: You know, I've been hearing a lot about this infield logjam as a reason not to sign A-Rod. I think you can move Wright to second base, even if Omar Minaya signs Luis Castillo. Because you MAKE room for 54 homers and 156 RBI. It doesn't matter how, it doesn't matter where. You MAKE room.

RATIONAL HUMAN BEING: Getting back to what you mentioned before - David Wright on "The Daily Show." The topic of chemistry came up...

NY METS FAN: ... look, I know A-Rod isn't a saint. In fact, he's a royal pain in the ass. Didn't his agent want A-Rod to have his own office or something in Shea Stadium last time we tried to sign him?

RATIONAL HUMAN BEING: I don't know, but I do know that Jon Stewart - smart guy, big Mets fan - called A-Rod "bad medicine" and the "Dick Cheney of baseball." You don't want the Dick Cheney of baseball on the Mets, do you?

NY METS FAN: Depends on who he's taking hunting.

RATIONAL HUMAN BEING: What about a more functional question, like whether signing another bat is really what the Mets need this off-season? Last season, New York scored 804 runs and gave up 750. Starting pitching failed down the stretch, and middle relief became a problem late in the season.

NY METS FAN: You're telling me you wouldn't sign A-Rod because who want to save a little scratch for the second coming of Lee Guetterman? Is that all you've got?

RATIONAL HUMAN BEING: OK, I see I have to bring out the big guns. What about the booing? What about fans loathing a player, even with such dynamic offensive output in the regular season? What about the .133 batting average in 2005, or the .071 in 2006, or the .267 with one RBI this season? Kenny Lofton had four RBI in the ALDS, and he's old enough to be A-Rod's father.

NY METS FAN: He became a dad at 8 years old?

RATIONAL HUMAN BEING: It's hyperbole, idiot. Just like it's hyperbole to believe A-Rod to be a cure-all for a Mets team that has more holes in its rotation than a block of Swiss. Just like it's delusional to believe that A-Rod somehow fits on this team, either in chemistry or in practicality. You're blinded by the numbers, blinded by the legend, and blinded by your intense hatred for the New York Yankees and the desire to see A-Rod "stick it" to them by bringing a World Series title to Flushing. So I ask you, after all of that: Is that rational thinking?

NY METS FAN: Well, that's what separates me and you, doesn't it? I'm the part of the brain that drops a few hundred dollars on playoff tickets when our car is one speed-bump away from the scrap heap. And yeah: I'm the guy who wants to believe that A-Rod won't continue to be a tabloid target, a loathsome teammate and a postseason calamity. I'm not supposed to like him, and I don't like him; to be honest, he embodies everything I dislike about pampered athletes who get paid too much and fail miserably when it counts. But there's something about his divorce from the Yankees that makes this option seem so...I don't know...delectable. The idea that they could lose A-Rod, they could lose Posada, we could bring them both to the Mets and then win with their guys...

RATIONAL HUMAN BEING: ...confirms that the Mets, much like the Red Sox, are no better than the Yankees when it comes to buying a World Championship. How can you stomach that?

NY METS FAN: Honestly? I've built up one hell of a tolerance to that bile for the last 21 years. And that's why, for all of the potential disasters and for all the wrong reasons, A-Rod can be on our side come Opening Day 2008 and I wouldn't give a damn.



Published on the web and www.SportsFanMagazine.com since 1997, "The Jester's Quart" is a weekly satirical look at sports, pop culture and why NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman is a jackass. Columnist Greg Wyshynski is the Senior Editor for SportsFan Magazine in Washington DC, and the Senior Sports Editor for The Connection Newspapers of Northern Virginia. His book "Glow Pucks and 10-Cent Beer: The 101 Worst Ideas in Sports History" can be ordered now. Email Wyshynski at jestersquart@hotmail.com.